Today in History

Today in History:   On June 19, 1865 General Gordon Granger stood on the balcony of Ashton Villa, in Galveston Texas and read “General Order NO. 3.” It called for the quality of personal rights for slaves who were now considered free. It advised the freemen to remain quietly at their present homes and work for wages from their former owners. It also informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military post and that they will not be supported in idleness either at their present state or elsewhere.  However the most interesting thing of all General Gordon Granger of the Union army brought the “Buffalo Soldiers” with him to enforce the law.  The “Buffalo Soldiers” where a group of soldiers of African descent, that fought for the Union Army (The North Army).  Today Juneteenth (a portmanteau word for June 19) is a day that the Buffalo Soldiers came to Texas to enforce the law.

 

Credits:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashton_Villa, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Buffalo_soldiers1.jpg
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juneteenth

Facebook ; Catfish & Internet Dating

 

A few days after I discovered someone who created a fake Facebook profile to communicate with me and I guess others, for some unknown reason this disturbed person did this to get my attention. And my heart went out to them.  But I chose to ignore it because it’s important in this time of my life not to allow other people issues to become mine. 

A day later I turned on the television. Like so many others, I was caught up in the "Catfish" marathon which airs on MTV. Catfish is reality documentary style show that is about those who have an online relationship with another person.  The show is used as a mediator to meet the person face to face because one of the parties either is hesitant to meet or create road blocks for them not to meet. In most of the series the person ends up to be not who they say they are.  The person usually makes up who they are by using someone else’s picture. In some of the cases the person has ended up to be female when they were posing as a male and visa versa. In other cases the person was ashamed of who they were because they were overweight or they were insecure about how they really were. In one of the cases the online relationship had gone on for 10 years. Fortunately in that case, the party had not created who he was; he just masked the fact that he was over 600 pounds.

In my studies in becoming a Christian Counseling Psychologist, the thought that comes to my mind at what level of unhappiness does a person have to be to have a relationship with someone online.  In all of the cases there was no video chat. In some of them there were phone calls but no real relationship. Some may argue that an online relationship is just real as a face to face relationship because you have that person’s personality at bay. But the risk of a person creating themselves to whom ever they want to be is the major risk. Online dating opens up the possibility of one coming in contact with a person with a borderline personality disorder. The person cannot or is not willing to meet a person the traditional way, so they will use the Internet to prey upon emotional vulnerable people.  See this article on the pitfalls to online dating. http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/06/health/online-dating-pitfalls

 According to a local CBS station in Las Vegas , a woman by the name of Mary Beckman is suing Match.com for 10 million dollars after going out on a date  with a man she met on that site that severely beat her. Match.com is an online dating service that connects you with a mate by giving questionnaires to its participants and matches them with the person that the site chooses the participants are best compatible with. Even though the crime was horrific, I question if Match.com was responsible for the crime. The plaintiff feels that the online dating service should have had some safe guards in place.  In my opinion Mary Beckman was responsible for her own safety up to a certain level.  If you go on a blind date, one should always meet in a public place. One should not invite or let a stranger know were they live or allow them into their home until after several weeks of conversations if not months. It is possible to discern a person character up to a certain level. There are indeed some social malformed persons in this society  but for the most part you can know after series of conversations if a person is sane or not. You always let a good friend know were you are going and who you are going with.  Give the phone number of your date. And always have a good friend to check on you periodically during the date. And on the first date it is OK to let you date know what you are doing. If he is sane he or she should not be offended. This is just living smart.  I’m not saying that Ms. Beckman is totally at fault for another person’s behavior, I’m just pointing out the importance of having some safe guards, if we choose to go on a blind date.   http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2013/01/24/woman-sues-match-com-for-10m-after-getting-matched-with-murder-suspect-who-brutally-attacked-her/

 But the deeper questions is what type of unhappiness causes a person to have an ongoing relationship with a person that they have not seen and feel that it is a real relationship. I have never had an online relationship before. However, to be transparent let me tell you a little about the old me.

 I was once a person that had some of the symptoms of depression. I had low self esteem and I felt that only if I found a spouse, only if I was in a relationship I would be happy. With this mentality I spent 3 years in a marriage with a woman that I was not compatible with that brought me nothing but emptiness. From then on, I went to relationship to relationship that failed from the age of 25 to 40. All these relationships failed with only two lasting 3 years or more (the same length of my marriage). And not even romances, I’m talking about normal friendships as well.  Nearly twenty years of my life seemed to be on some level waisted because I was here but lost. I thought that being in a relationship or being well liked would bring me happiness. But the relationships brought emotional abuse in my life.  It brought me being exposed to those who had  bipolar disorders, addiction issues, narcism, individualism  and the list goes on and on with other  ism and other diagnosis that could be found on the DSM IV. Like attracted like or maybe it was me rushing into relationships and rushing into circumstances without taking the time to get accounted because I was empty, and thought that another being could make me happy and it was all a lie.

 After twenties years of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I realized that in most of the situations, it wasn't my fault. We always think it is the other persons fault. But there was one common denominator. It was me!  I was the common denominator in all of the situations. I had some major responsibility in it. So after digging deep and taking a personal inventory and really getting to know myself; Discernment is what I call it, learning how to love me the naked me figurative and literally with all my flaws and all of my greatness and loving all my flaws and learning to be comfortable with me alone and being able to sit in a silent room with no one but me and enjoy the silence. Learning to go out to dinner by myself and going to the movies and cooking for myself and putting out the good china and my favorite wine or cocktail and cook an elaborate dish just for me.  You see I had to date me to get to know me and to get to know myself and appreciate this being that God has uniquely created in his own image.

 And it is this experience where I can relate to those who are caught in blindly talking to a person. Because they feel that the person can bring some sense of happiness to them and bring something to make them whole and it is a complete lie. Happiness comes from within and flows outward and when people see that you are happy, it will give off an energy that will draw folks to you. There is truly someone for everyone.  And I was reminded of this one day when I was at U of H and I saw the couple, one on a walker and another one confined to a wheel chair. No matter how different from what society claim beauty is there is literally someone for everyone. But you have to be in the right mind set to accept what God has for you; because, there is a person that you are truly equally yoked with. And what God has brought together let no man separate.

A Way to Make Happiness a Habit

     I was in the shower and I was having some random thoughts. What came to mind was God’s grace. What if his grace was like a bank account. And that account went bankrupt.  What would that do to us?  There would be no grace left to go around. And the bad that we have done and the good that we do wouldn’t matter because there would be no account to deposit it in.  And then I thought thank God that the price has been paid for all that we have done. Without grace we would definitely be in trouble. So sense the price has been paid, I’m going to do what I can do to give back. I will try to give my time and my talent and what money that I have to positive causes so that I can do whatever I can to make the world a better place. If we would all strive to do this the world would be indeed a better place.
     A number of us get caught up and we talk about what the Government should do in our community to make this nation a better place. And I am one of those persons who agree with this, which is contrary to some Americans who believe in small government.  It is ethical to make sure the poor and the elderly and the disabled have the basic needs taken care of. But just think what we can do as a community;  if we would take an extra effort to make sure that those that have less than we have are cared for in some way by using our time, talent and treasure, it would go a long way.
     A large number of Americans are unhappy. It has nothing to do with finance or class, culture, religion or how much money one has. But there are many of us that are unhappy. Giving back, volunteering, having a cause is a way of belonging and a way of cultivating the world. Like pruning a tree; we have to do things to prune the community. This is a way of putting positive energy back into the environment and it comes back to us in many ways.

      This year on January 21^st,  Martin Luther King’s day has been coined as the annual day of giving. This is a great way to honor the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. As he gave of himself to insure the lives of all Americans can be better; it is fitting that we give our lives back to others. But it shouldn’t just be on that very day. It should become part of our life style and a weekly or monthly routine. When something becomes a routine it becomes a habit. And when something becomes a habit it becomes part of us and we do it without thinking. 

     Today we should take a moment and  take a personal inventory and think about what is it in our lives that we are doing or what we can  do to make our community a better place. Or what is it about what we are doing that we can improve upon to make the world a better place. We are all made in the image and likeness of God. It is all of our calling to have a personal thing that we do to give back. So today I not only challenge you, I challenge myself of things that I can do and things that I can do better in my own community to make this world a better place.

Making Invetory for the New Year: Finding Happiness

It is now a new year again. We’ve made it to 2013. It is a time to reflect upon the past and have hope for the future. One thing that I do is to take a personal inventory of my life. I look at relationships, finance, education and career and my spirituality. These are the chore things in our life that makes us happy and for the most part define our existence. The thing of the matter is that we should make long and short term goals in these areas. If we want to improve in a certain area, at times we should do things differently. If you do the same thing the same way all of the time you will give the same results. For example, 1 +1= 2. You can add it many times and you will get the same sum. But 1+3=4. A different sum because we use a different number. This math that we learned in first grade is very basic. But this basic method can be applied to our own lives.
     If you are in a relationship and you are unhappy with your spouse or significant other, and both of you have been going about relating to one another the same way, and you are unhappy, at some point you will have to make a decision to do things differently; either mutually or through marriage counseling. If that doesn’t work then you should make a decision about what you are going to do to take control of your situation to make yourself happy. We are ultimately in control of our own happiness. No one is responsible for that but us. Any one that we allow to be part of our lives should enhance that happiness and not create misery. A couple should either grow together or at the least move together to find the median ground to happiness. If it falls short of that it is not a true relationship. According to professional counseling.com , the new year is a very difficult time for troubled relationships. You can use this time to improve it or part with it.  http://www.professional-counselling.com/relationship-advice-for-new-years-eve.html  What ever one decides, make sure the decision you make is one that is well thought out and one that is most healthy; which is when both partners mutually end a relationship. However,if one is in an abusive situation, run like hell.  Knowing that this is easier said than done;  there are many organizations that help victims of domestic abuse. You only have one life to live so you might as well make the best of it.  
     If you are perhaps looking for a relationship, or just putting yourself in an environment to meet someone to date, and the places that you have gone have not been fruitful in that area; perhaps, change your environment. A wise woman once said that she wanted to marry a millionaire. What she did was went to a social areas, we will say it was a bar, where millionaires hung out and  she met the man of her dreams.  One should never try to pick fruit from a tree that has proven not to bear fruit.
     Financially, at the beginning of the year, one can always look at how you managed money the year before and do it periodically during the year. I look at ways that I have wasted money and look at expenses that I can cut or spend money smarter. For example, I once had a hot spot to use my internet and I very seldom used my PC away from home. So I felt it was a waist. So I got DSL again and saved $30 dollars a month. I also was at the point where I felt that I was spending a lot of money or my car note. I made a bad decision when I bought my vehicle. So what I decided to do was to refinance my vehicle and freed $250 more dollars a month. Now for some that may not be a lot of money but for me, $250 dollars is $250 dollars. That is groceries for a month.  This is just an example; every one’s financial situation is different.
     It has always been instilled in me that the foundation to success is education. People can take many things away from you, your money your tangible items, even your job and sometimes try to take your good name from you by tarnishing it with lies.  But one thing that someone cannot take away from you is your education. I waited latter in my life to go back to school and get more educated. I am still in school trying to reach my goal. When I finish, I am sure that I will always try to learn by getting Continued Education and learn about cutting edge on therapeutic research. I plan to be a successful therapist. To do this, I must plan and stick to my learning track. One example of this is that there was one, having an issue on a job that he had for years. There was a manager; we will just call her a mare for the sake of this article. Well the mare for whatever reason had it out for him. She was determined to get him fired from a job that he had for nearly twenty years. He could have filed grievances and done many things but at the end of the day when someone wants you gone from a job, management prevails because Texas is a “right to work” state. He saw the writing on the wall and applied for every job that he qualified for. Because he had his bachelor’s degree now he was more marketable.  He secured a position just short of being terminated and it was for a promotion. It was a position where he was greatly qualified for and was the very best person for this job were his skills and experience could be used. Because of careful planning he was able to escape a career assassination. The great thing about it is that he works in the same building as the mare and from time to time they cross paths and he greats her with a smile and speak. I realize that this had to happen for a reason because he finally has a job that he can genuinely enjoy with a less stress that he had been experiencing. The good book also makes reference to “no weapons formed against you can prosper. And God making your enemies your foot stool” I am sure these thoughts crossed his mind many times during and after this experience.
     The most important annual inventory that one can take is spirituality. For me ,my church and ministries in my church is the foundation of my spirituality. I understand this does not work for all people but it works for me. I spend about four hours a week out of my busy schedule to volunteer. 
     This is outside of liturgical commitments or commitments during church. I am involved in three ministries and they are trying to encourage to pick up one more that will give me something to do for a month. I also give money to the church and also other charitable organizations. I am a firm believer of the phrase that a person who has been given much has a responsibility to give. And what we give freely comes back to us multiplied. I try to give what I have been taught my time, my talent and also my treasure ( money). I feel because of this my life is rich on many levels. I may not be wealthy but I am rich in so many ways. There is a song by a local artist named Tamika Handy that sings a song “Not a dime in my pocket, but I’m rich.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9rYb0nzd7c I love this song and I think it will be my theme song for 2013 now that I think about it. This is not a NeNe Leakes (material) rich but a quality of life rich. It is a wealth that defines happiness in non monetary ways. One can be financially wealthy and be so unhappy. At the end of the day, that person is really poor because there is no quality of life; full of material, but no real substance. 
     Look at the time that you spend with God. Just simple meditation on a daily basis can bring you so much personal growth and can open up many ideas on how you should solve an issue. We lift weights so that our bodies can get stronger. Meditation is a way for your brain to lift weights. It can be done in many ways. Just as simple as sitting in a quiet space and just digging deep and thinking; or listening to spiritual music. Buddhist use incense and bells and beads and chants. Some Catholics use the Rosary as  a way of meditating and some folks simple go into a closet and shut out the world and get on their needs and call on their heavenly father. There are many ways to do it. It depends on what fits your life. But however and whatever you do to meditate be it Yoga, or praying or jogging, God is present. And when we allow him to become part of our lives and there are many ways we can do it, we can find true happiness.
     For there to be change in our lives, we must find different ways of doing things. This must be done through personal inventory and through planning. May this day, this week, this month and all this year be a prosperous for you all and full of happiness. 



A critical look at the movie, "DJANGO Unchained" by Ray Young

Picture exstracted from  http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2012/11/13/django-unchained-poster/

Today I went and saw the movie that has had a lot of hype for months called “DJANGO UNCHAINED” and it was all that it was promised to be and more. Quentin Tarantino the writer/producer and director out did himself this time. It is starring Jamie Fox, Kerry Washington, who plays’s DJango’s wife, Walton Goggins, Samuel L. Jackson just to name a few.  Just imagine, taking a story about slavery, adding a love story to it along with a western feel and humor and drama. The story line took place two years before the Civil War and  was told in such a way which made slavery very realistic.  At the same time, the movie poked fun at slavery and showed how stupid it was as well as racism or any other systematic system that belittles other human beings.  At the same time it is easy to look at with an exemption of a couple of violent scenes and the over use of the “N” word, but this was necessary to the movie to make the story line realistic and valid to that time.

In this movie the underdog prevailed.  The movie is a good message about justice.  And if you want to see a love story, a story of slavery and a story about justice and a very realistic story line,  this is the movie for you. Just like all of Tarantino movies, it is unpredictable. He flips the script in the middle of the movie. When you think it is almost over, the carpet is pulled from under you and the movie takes a totally different direction.  

"DJango Unchained" has been given a lot of criticism from some of its peers like Spike Lee and other people in Holly Wood. Lee feels that it is inappropriate to put the ills of slavery on the screen. Keep in mind that Spike Lee has not seen the movie and has been criticized for not liking any movie that he hasn’t produced himself.  Respectfully disagreeing with Lee, it is necessary to put the social ills of our nation’s bitter history on the screen. It was realistic, respectful and reminds us how crazy it was and still is. A nation that does not know its history will indeed repeat it. So we must never forget!   http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/12/25/spike-lee-goes-after-django-unchained/

There was another movie that was originally written called DJango in 1966 written and directed by Italian Sergio Cobucci and described as a Spaghetti western. It is quoted as “A coffin-dragging gunslinger enters a town caught between two feuding factions, the KKK and a gang of Mexican Bandits. That man is Django, and he is caught up in a struggle against both parties”  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060315/
If one looks at the trailer of this movie it seems far more violent as the current remake “ Django Unchained”.  

  “ Django  Unchained” is a movie with a lot of messages and symbolism on many levels. So make sure you pay close attention to what is said, how it is said and what happens. It is poetry on the screen.  Jamie Foxx gives a stellar performance along with Kerry Washington and Samuel L Jackson who steals the movie.  I suggest all to go see this movie. Out of five stars I give it all five to Django.  Go see it, and remember that this is not a movie that you would want to bring any one under the age of 16.

Christmas 2012: Choose to be Happy

This blog became a commitment to me in response to a dear friend ending his life. After talking to him just a week before he ended his life, I saw no signs that he was that unhappy. But after thinking of his behavior, there were signs that there was a dark side. With this being said, I'm moved to make this post and to express that no matter how anxious we get and no matter what we are going through we can choose to be happy. Nothing in this world can conquer us no even death. No matter what we are going through be it a loss of a loved one, an illness, financial issues we can offer all that is not positive and offer this up to the cross. We can choose happiness. So if anyone feels down and anxious this holiday season, reach out to those who really care for you. Talk to whoever will listen. Keep negative people away from you. And forgive those friends who you may be upset with over trivial things. Participate in your faith or at the least be charitable. And if you feel that you can't cope, seek out for professional help. Therapy really works. God is present through this process. So today, I pledge that I will forgive those that I haven't. Life is short. And I pledge that I will write some type of publication on Choice Theory. (Choosing to be happy) God came on earth and became flesh and dwelt among us so that we may have life and more abundantly. So I choose to be happy.

For some, Christmas is one of the joyous parts of the year. It brings us together as family and friends. The spirit of giving and of party brings joy and happiness to many. However for some it may be the worst part of the year. It can be depressing overwhelming and the loneliness time of year. If you fall in the latter category, it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are a few steps to avoid getting the seasonal blues.

1. Keep your expectations conservative. Don’t expect too much out of the holiday. So many of us get frustrated because we don’t get the perfect gift or we don’t get invited to the most popular party. Or the food is not quite right, or the biggest issue, not having the money to spend on gifts. These are real reason that could make the season blue for us. But there is so much more to the season. Christmas has become far too commercialized and we forget the true meaning of Christmas. It is about celebrating the birth of Christ. It is about new beginnings. It is about putting the past behind us and starting fresh and new. All the other superficial things may be nice but getting caught up in the mass scheme of the commercialization of a religious holiday can take away the true meaning of the spirit. So keep your expectations simple. In fact have no expectations and just go with the flow.

2. Volunteer for Christmas. The season is more about giving than anything else. Go to organizations and help serve a meal. Or collect toys for children this season to donate to a shelter or some other organization. Better yet collecting items for seniors that they can really use is a great idea as well. There are many retirement centers and nursing homes that would be open to these donations. The greatest feeling in the world is giving to those less fortunate. The response of appreciation can be far more gratifying than receiving a gift from someone. Especially when half the time it is an item you don’t want and can’t even use.

3. Keep positive people around you. If you find yourself falling into a depressive mode, hang out with your friends. At times when we feel down, we may tend to isolate ourselves from everyone. Amir A. Afrkami, MD PHD wrote in Psychology Today, stated that if we find ourselves depressed during the season isolation is the worst thing. Hang with friends which are your family that you choose; People whose company that we enjoy can be best. And be mindful of difficult family dynamics. We all have that foolish person in our family that takes away from our good spirits. They are who they are. It is important not to allow those people to bring you down. And sometimes it is ok to be a little selfish to cut short a visit or not to visit at all if it takes away from you feeling whole. After all it is your life and you are in charge of your own happiness. If you find yourself depressed, limit your alcohol consumption. Alcohol is a depressant. It will enhance whatever mood you are in. And when you are coming down from your high the next day, it will make you feel even that much worse.

So let us not forget what Christmas is truly about. It would make our holidays more joyous even though we may not be into it, if we stick to the real reason for the meaning of Christmas, it could be more meaningful than ever before. Happy Holidays!