Monday, December 30, 2013

Happy New Year Dear, It's Over!

     The week between Christmas and New Years is not only the year that a number of us celebrate Kwanza. It is also a time of year that we reflect over the old year and make plans and goals over the New Year. Some people have the tradition to spring clean during this time and on New Years’ Day have one window open to reflect the airing out the old from last year.  This tradition in the southern United States is just as routine as eating black eyed peas for good luck.  The symbolic gestures along with the planning for the New Year can be very healthy. Some people make the decision to watch their weight go on a diet and work out. Another thing would be to make a budget for the upcoming year. Looking at were money was wasted and where you can more wisely spend your money for the upcoming year is a good thing that one does. 
       This is also the time of year that a lot of relationships end. People look at the end of the year and the starting of a new year as a fresh start. A time to have a clean slate; However if one decides to make this type of a decision, you should not make this decision with haste.  An emotional decision that is made without thinking it well through could make you full of regrets in the long run.

      Relationships are work; you have to compromise and not think of yourself as an individual and put another person into consideration.   Every decision that you make need to be with both in mind. In a relationship you are building upon a team. Being in a relationship is the single most unselfish move that one person can make. It is the loosing of self and the discovery of a new being. In the Bible, it states that " the two shall become one flesh."  Even though this is not literal but spiritually and emotionally if it is true love this does happen in every since of the word. You cannot go into a relationship being selfish and feeling that it is all about you.

     On the other hand one should not be in a relationship when they are not being made to feel good about themselves. One should not accept abuse be it verbal, physical or emotional; allowing you to experience these things is a sin against self. Even though it is easy to talk about it than to solve issues that are complex, be aware that mostly nearly all of the time when there are problems it is about someone's pathology. When a person does not treat you right, it is about them more than it is about you. They are a broken person about things that was not reconciled long before they met you.  And if someone is expressing to you how they feel you are treating them most of the time it is about your issues whether you are blind to it are not.  There are four parts of every person. The part of the person that we see and everyone else see. The other part is the part that everyone else see's but we are blind to it ourselves. The side that we see and no one else see's. And the side that neither we see or no one else see's. It is important that all of the sides to ourselves should be explored.
      Whatever decision that we make in reference to matters of the heart, make sure that these decisions are made wisely and thought out. The problem started well before New Years. The decision to end something or work on a relationship should be made calmly and not while you are on a high about life events. Regardless of what decision you make, always remember that tomorrow isn’t promised. We live in the here and now, in time and space. So we should live life to the full today.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Self Intimacy: Learning to Forgive and Love

About a week ago, someone that I care about told me something that I found very hurting. I have been so angry as a result of this. And suddenly Sunday morning I woke up and realized that I am not angry at my friend at all. The anger that I have was the anger that I have with myself.  I was angry with myself because I allowed what I was told to belittle me and challenge my worth.

   For many years I suffered from depression and low self-esteem. As a result of this I jumped into relationship after relationship thinking that these relationships would make me happy.  “If I only had the right mate and the white picket fence and the 2.45 children I would be happy.”  So I went to one relationship to another not only love affairs but friendships with people who didn’t have my best interest and /or had other motives. I was an easy target to be used and emotionally abused.

   After years of having bad relationships, meeting the same negative people in different bodies I had to finally look at myself. I was the common denominator. I was the one that was responsible. It is a lot to put on another person the responsibility of your happiness whether they know it or not. It is unfair to give another person the responsibility to your own happiness and a lot of power to give another person.

After realizing this, I learned to have an intimate relationship with myself. Over a period of time, I did things to make myself happy and did things to create happiness for myself. I spent many quiet times with myself and read books that made me dig deep within myself to learn many things about myself or things that challenged my belief systems to  figure out  why I believe what I believe. I started to do things that I dared not to do alone because of social phobias like going to the movies and dining out. I learned to do things alone when I wanted to do them instead of waiting on someone to experience things with. I even learned to travel alone. I learned to fall in love with myself.  Previously I didn’t want to be alone because I didn’t like myself enough to be alone. I didn’t see the value that I had within. Today I love my quiet times. It is my personal intimacy.

   So when my friend made a statement to me something that cut deep to me and made me question if I was loved like I love I became angry. This anger was because I had worked so hard to feel good about myself and how dare I allow someone to make me feel devalued as if I didn’t measure up.  And Sunday morning, (oh joy comes in the morning)I realized that what was said had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with them and the experiences that they have and how a friend needed to feel valued and with this need, no matter how abnormal it sounded and how it showed so much psychopathology I allowed it to take away my value.  I allowed someone else psychopathology to affect my happiness.

No one can make you feel angry. Our happiness come from within and we determine our happiness and  this happiness gives us value. Because the truth of the matter is no one has no less value than another person because we are all children from the same creator. The issue is the experience I had with myself when I felt was not favorable. No one did anything to take value away from me, it was the experience that I had with myself. I had to work through this and realize why I had this experience and why I allowed someone else experience affect me

The lesson that was learned is that never allow a person to give you value.  We are all very special people. And no one is better than anyone. We are all unique and marvelous creation.   We are all works in progress and we must constantly do activities of self -care insure that the joy that we should all have within us stay without any force taking it away. So this day I recommit to myself that I will continue to have an intimate relationship with myself. Because when you truly love yourself, you can then give love to others in return.  

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