Happy New Year Dear, It's Over!

     The week between Christmas and New Years is not only the year that a number of us celebrate Kwanza. It is also a time of year that we reflect over the old year and make plans and goals over the New Year. Some people have the tradition to spring clean during this time and on New Years’ Day have one window open to reflect the airing out the old from last year.  This tradition in the southern United States is just as routine as eating black eyed peas for good luck.  The symbolic gestures along with the planning for the New Year can be very healthy. Some people make the decision to watch their weight go on a diet and work out. Another thing would be to make a budget for the upcoming year. Looking at were money was wasted and where you can more wisely spend your money for the upcoming year is a good thing that one does. 

       This is also the time of year that a lot of relationships end. People look at the end of the year and the starting of a new year as a fresh start. A time to have a clean slate; However if one decides to make this type of a decision, you should not make this decision with haste.  An emotional decision that is made without thinking it well through could make you full of regrets in the long run.

      Relationships are work; you have to compromise and not think of yourself as an individual and put another person into consideration.   Every decision that you make need to be with both in mind. In a relationship you are building upon a team. Being in a relationship is the single most unselfish move that one person can make. It is the loosing of self and the discovery of a new being. In the Bible, it states that " the two shall become one flesh."  Even though this is not literal but spiritually and emotionally if it is true love this does happen in every since of the word. You cannot go into a relationship being selfish and feeling that it is all about you.

     On the other hand one should not be in a relationship when they are not being made to feel good about themselves. One should not accept abuse be it verbal, physical or emotional; allowing you to experience these things is a sin against self. Even though it is easy to talk about it than to solve issues that are complex, be aware that mostly nearly all of the time when there are problems it is about someone's pathology. When a person does not treat you right, it is about them more than it is about you. They are a broken person about things that was not reconciled long before they met you.  And if someone is expressing to you how they feel you are treating them most of the time it is about your issues whether you are blind to it are not.  There are four parts of every person. The part of the person that we see and everyone else see. The other part is the part that everyone else see's but we are blind to it ourselves. The side that we see and no one else see's. And the side that neither we see or no one else see's. It is important that all of the sides to ourselves should be explored.

      Whatever decision that we make in reference to matters of the heart, make sure that these decisions are made wisely and thought out. The problem started well before New Years. The decision to end something or work on a relationship should be made calmly and not while you are on a high about life events. Regardless of what decision you make, always remember that tomorrow isn’t promised. We live in the here and now, in time and space. So we should live life to the full today.

Self Intimacy: Learning to Forgive and Love

About a week ago, someone that I care about told me something that I found very hurting. I have been so angry as a result of this. And suddenly Sunday morning I woke up and realized that I am not angry at my friend at all. The anger that I have was the anger that I have with myself.  I was angry with myself because I allowed what I was told to belittle me and challenge my worth.

   For many years I suffered from depression and low self-esteem. As a result of this I jumped into relationship after relationship thinking that these relationships would make me happy.  “If I only had the right mate and the white picket fence and the 2.45 children I would be happy.”  So I went to one relationship to another not only love affairs but friendships with people who didn’t have my best interest and /or had other motives. I was an easy target to be used and emotionally abused.

   After years of having bad relationships, meeting the same negative people in different bodies I had to finally look at myself. I was the common denominator. I was the one that was responsible. It is a lot to put on another person the responsibility of your happiness whether they know it or not. It is unfair to give another person the responsibility to your own happiness and a lot of power to give another person.

After realizing this, I learned to have an intimate relationship with myself. Over a period of time, I did things to make myself happy and did things to create happiness for myself. I spent many quiet times with myself and read books that made me dig deep within myself to learn many things about myself or things that challenged my belief systems to  figure out  why I believe what I believe. I started to do things that I dared not to do alone because of social phobias like going to the movies and dining out. I learned to do things alone when I wanted to do them instead of waiting on someone to experience things with. I even learned to travel alone. I learned to fall in love with myself.  Previously I didn’t want to be alone because I didn’t like myself enough to be alone. I didn’t see the value that I had within. Today I love my quiet times. It is my personal intimacy.

   So when my friend made a statement to me something that cut deep to me and made me question if I was loved like I love I became angry. This anger was because I had worked so hard to feel good about myself and how dare I allow someone to make me feel devalued as if I didn’t measure up.  And Sunday morning, (oh joy comes in the morning)I realized that what was said had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with them and the experiences that they have and how a friend needed to feel valued and with this need, no matter how abnormal it sounded and how it showed so much psychopathology I allowed it to take away my value.  I allowed someone else psychopathology to affect my happiness.

No one can make you feel angry. Our happiness come from within and we determine our happiness and  this happiness gives us value. Because the truth of the matter is no one has no less value than another person because we are all children from the same creator. The issue is the experience I had with myself when I felt was not favorable. No one did anything to take value away from me, it was the experience that I had with myself. I had to work through this and realize why I had this experience and why I allowed someone else experience affect me

The lesson that was learned is that never allow a person to give you value.  We are all very special people. And no one is better than anyone. We are all unique and marvelous creation.   We are all works in progress and we must constantly do activities of self -care insure that the joy that we should all have within us stay without any force taking it away. So this day I recommit to myself that I will continue to have an intimate relationship with myself. Because when you truly love yourself, you can then give love to others in return.  


Photo was taken from:

http://www.sheknows.com.au/health-and-wellness/articles/817413/how-to-boost-your-confidence-in-4-easy-stepYourself Again

 

The Meaning Behind 11/12/13

     I heard on the radio this morning today being 11/12/13 was one of the best days of the year to get married. Those that are into numerology look at numbers because every thing that happens in reality, numbers have a significant meaning behind them. Looking at that concept theologically, numbers are very important in the bible. God created the world and rested on the seventh day. God is three persons in one. Jesus was in the wilderness for forty days. Noah's Arc was sailing for forty days and forty nights. There are many numerical symbols in the bible. Many authors have written on this topic. There is even a book in my library about decoding the bible.
     After listening to the radio report and having a conversation about the significance of today’s date, I contacted Charles Dotson who is a local expert in numerology and metaphysical studies. Mr. Dotson explained that to calculate the universal day, one would have to add 1+1+1+2+2+0+1+3=11.  This number is very significant because it is what you call a master number. Master numbers indicate spiritual gifts that make them highly sensitive to intuition, especially visions, insights and being able to receive divine guidance at a higher level.  Mr. Dotson goes on to explain that this can also, however, create tension, extreme restlessness, illness, and physical problems if the energy is not channeled properly into service of humankind.
     Eleven in particular is called the spiritual messenger and illuminator. It brings spiritual insights and revelations, and then brings these illuminations to other to help raise spiritual awareness on the planet.  It is a very sensitive to all, nervous energy and can indicate intense emotions or chaos, stress, tests, trials when it bringing light or awakening in a situation.  It is also a number that that can bring fame or being in the spotlight. Overall, it is meant to be a time of growth and understanding, inspiration, transformation, and hard learned revelations about how life truly works.  That’s why 911 the traumatic event and 911 being used as the number we call for an emergency is no accident
     When it was expressed that this was contrary what was spoken about this day in the media and that it was a good day to get married he then explained that the only way this can be justified is that 11 can also be reduced to 2(1+1=2).  This is the lower vibration of the number 11 which means it will function or manifest itself as "2" energy.  The 2 energy represents relationships, harmony, cooperation with others, partnership, teamwork; balancing your need with those of someone else.  In this case, it makes sense that marriage or union could be related to this.  
       “Typically, whenever the number 11 is seen as the final total or a certain date, I don’t reduce it” states Dotson.   “Therefore, I gave the meaning of the 11 energy and not the 2 energy which is the lower or basic vibration expression.” Some master number totals 11, 22, 33 etc. are usually not reduced, but because of the higher requirements of the master number energies, most will instinctively want to function at the most basic root level of these number, 11/2 ;22/4 ;33/6.  
      This is the first of a series of interview that I will have with Charles Dotson. It is interesting how everything from physics, chemistry and other natural sciences is related to math. Would it be farfetched to think that our universe operates from numbers as well? Some religions feel that numerology is the work of evil. I find it fascinating to keep an open mind. If one would allow religion only to dictate science, we would still think the world was flat instead of round.  Look to more postings on this topic.

Harriet Tubman Sex Tape Comedy or Insult?

I heard some rumblings on the radio last month about the Harriet Tubman sex tape and didn't get a chance to actually see it until today. It was produced by Russell Simmons "All Def Digital Channel" on You Tube which is supposed to take You Tube artist and put their craft on a larger level so that they can become successful in the main stream. However this video, who had two actors and an actress that are well respected people in the You Tube/Comedy world, were criticized and hated on in social media. It was so serious Russell Simmons was asked by the NAACP to take it down. Now I am a person who has thick skin and can be very liberal when it comes to some things including comedy. On the other hand, I have taken quite a few ethics and virtue classes along with counseling courses that have made me more sensitive to things that could offend people especially when it comes to culture.  The question that I am raising is that in the world of comedy, everyone can be poked fun at. There is no topic that is off limits; however, are some topics and some people too sacred that we cannot poke fun and laugh at? Are black folks so sensitive that we cannot poke fun at slavery and laugh at it including racism in the past in the modern day? Is making fun of ourselves serious and sometimes sick history  or a healing or a cleansing on some level? I don't have the answers. I am middle of the road on this issue but I would like to know what you all think about it.  If you find this video I must warn you that it may be offensive. There is no nudity but strong language. If you are a very sensitive person and feel you cannot handle this matter, you may not want to watch the video.  But the out takes are very funny.

Pictures was taken from www.businessinsider.com   
 

Today in History

Today in History:   On June 19, 1865 General Gordon Granger stood on the balcony of Ashton Villa, in Galveston Texas and read “General Order NO. 3.” It called for the quality of personal rights for slaves who were now considered free. It advised the freemen to remain quietly at their present homes and work for wages from their former owners. It also informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military post and that they will not be supported in idleness either at their present state or elsewhere.  However the most interesting thing of all General Gordon Granger of the Union army brought the “Buffalo Soldiers” with him to enforce the law.  The “Buffalo Soldiers” where a group of soldiers of African descent, that fought for the Union Army (The North Army).  Today Juneteenth (a portmanteau word for June 19) is a day that the Buffalo Soldiers came to Texas to enforce the law.

 

Credits:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashton_Villa, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Buffalo_soldiers1.jpg
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juneteenth

Facebook ; Catfish & Internet Dating

 

A few days after I discovered someone who created a fake Facebook profile to communicate with me and I guess others, for some unknown reason this disturbed person did this to get my attention. And my heart went out to them.  But I chose to ignore it because it’s important in this time of my life not to allow other people issues to become mine. 

A day later I turned on the television. Like so many others, I was caught up in the "Catfish" marathon which airs on MTV. Catfish is reality documentary style show that is about those who have an online relationship with another person.  The show is used as a mediator to meet the person face to face because one of the parties either is hesitant to meet or create road blocks for them not to meet. In most of the series the person ends up to be not who they say they are.  The person usually makes up who they are by using someone else’s picture. In some of the cases the person has ended up to be female when they were posing as a male and visa versa. In other cases the person was ashamed of who they were because they were overweight or they were insecure about how they really were. In one of the cases the online relationship had gone on for 10 years. Fortunately in that case, the party had not created who he was; he just masked the fact that he was over 600 pounds.

In my studies in becoming a Christian Counseling Psychologist, the thought that comes to my mind at what level of unhappiness does a person have to be to have a relationship with someone online.  In all of the cases there was no video chat. In some of them there were phone calls but no real relationship. Some may argue that an online relationship is just real as a face to face relationship because you have that person’s personality at bay. But the risk of a person creating themselves to whom ever they want to be is the major risk. Online dating opens up the possibility of one coming in contact with a person with a borderline personality disorder. The person cannot or is not willing to meet a person the traditional way, so they will use the Internet to prey upon emotional vulnerable people.  See this article on the pitfalls to online dating. http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/06/health/online-dating-pitfalls

 According to a local CBS station in Las Vegas , a woman by the name of Mary Beckman is suing Match.com for 10 million dollars after going out on a date  with a man she met on that site that severely beat her. Match.com is an online dating service that connects you with a mate by giving questionnaires to its participants and matches them with the person that the site chooses the participants are best compatible with. Even though the crime was horrific, I question if Match.com was responsible for the crime. The plaintiff feels that the online dating service should have had some safe guards in place.  In my opinion Mary Beckman was responsible for her own safety up to a certain level.  If you go on a blind date, one should always meet in a public place. One should not invite or let a stranger know were they live or allow them into their home until after several weeks of conversations if not months. It is possible to discern a person character up to a certain level. There are indeed some social malformed persons in this society  but for the most part you can know after series of conversations if a person is sane or not. You always let a good friend know were you are going and who you are going with.  Give the phone number of your date. And always have a good friend to check on you periodically during the date. And on the first date it is OK to let you date know what you are doing. If he is sane he or she should not be offended. This is just living smart.  I’m not saying that Ms. Beckman is totally at fault for another person’s behavior, I’m just pointing out the importance of having some safe guards, if we choose to go on a blind date.   http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2013/01/24/woman-sues-match-com-for-10m-after-getting-matched-with-murder-suspect-who-brutally-attacked-her/

 But the deeper questions is what type of unhappiness causes a person to have an ongoing relationship with a person that they have not seen and feel that it is a real relationship. I have never had an online relationship before. However, to be transparent let me tell you a little about the old me.

 I was once a person that had some of the symptoms of depression. I had low self esteem and I felt that only if I found a spouse, only if I was in a relationship I would be happy. With this mentality I spent 3 years in a marriage with a woman that I was not compatible with that brought me nothing but emptiness. From then on, I went to relationship to relationship that failed from the age of 25 to 40. All these relationships failed with only two lasting 3 years or more (the same length of my marriage). And not even romances, I’m talking about normal friendships as well.  Nearly twenty years of my life seemed to be on some level waisted because I was here but lost. I thought that being in a relationship or being well liked would bring me happiness. But the relationships brought emotional abuse in my life.  It brought me being exposed to those who had  bipolar disorders, addiction issues, narcism, individualism  and the list goes on and on with other  ism and other diagnosis that could be found on the DSM IV. Like attracted like or maybe it was me rushing into relationships and rushing into circumstances without taking the time to get accounted because I was empty, and thought that another being could make me happy and it was all a lie.

 After twenties years of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I realized that in most of the situations, it wasn't my fault. We always think it is the other persons fault. But there was one common denominator. It was me!  I was the common denominator in all of the situations. I had some major responsibility in it. So after digging deep and taking a personal inventory and really getting to know myself; Discernment is what I call it, learning how to love me the naked me figurative and literally with all my flaws and all of my greatness and loving all my flaws and learning to be comfortable with me alone and being able to sit in a silent room with no one but me and enjoy the silence. Learning to go out to dinner by myself and going to the movies and cooking for myself and putting out the good china and my favorite wine or cocktail and cook an elaborate dish just for me.  You see I had to date me to get to know me and to get to know myself and appreciate this being that God has uniquely created in his own image.

 And it is this experience where I can relate to those who are caught in blindly talking to a person. Because they feel that the person can bring some sense of happiness to them and bring something to make them whole and it is a complete lie. Happiness comes from within and flows outward and when people see that you are happy, it will give off an energy that will draw folks to you. There is truly someone for everyone.  And I was reminded of this one day when I was at U of H and I saw the couple, one on a walker and another one confined to a wheel chair. No matter how different from what society claim beauty is there is literally someone for everyone. But you have to be in the right mind set to accept what God has for you; because, there is a person that you are truly equally yoked with. And what God has brought together let no man separate.

A Way to Make Happiness a Habit

     I was in the shower and I was having some random thoughts. What came to mind was God’s grace. What if his grace was like a bank account. And that account went bankrupt.  What would that do to us?  There would be no grace left to go around. And the bad that we have done and the good that we do wouldn’t matter because there would be no account to deposit it in.  And then I thought thank God that the price has been paid for all that we have done. Without grace we would definitely be in trouble. So sense the price has been paid, I’m going to do what I can do to give back. I will try to give my time and my talent and what money that I have to positive causes so that I can do whatever I can to make the world a better place. If we would all strive to do this the world would be indeed a better place.
     A number of us get caught up and we talk about what the Government should do in our community to make this nation a better place. And I am one of those persons who agree with this, which is contrary to some Americans who believe in small government.  It is ethical to make sure the poor and the elderly and the disabled have the basic needs taken care of. But just think what we can do as a community;  if we would take an extra effort to make sure that those that have less than we have are cared for in some way by using our time, talent and treasure, it would go a long way.
     A large number of Americans are unhappy. It has nothing to do with finance or class, culture, religion or how much money one has. But there are many of us that are unhappy. Giving back, volunteering, having a cause is a way of belonging and a way of cultivating the world. Like pruning a tree; we have to do things to prune the community. This is a way of putting positive energy back into the environment and it comes back to us in many ways.

      This year on January 21^st,  Martin Luther King’s day has been coined as the annual day of giving. This is a great way to honor the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. As he gave of himself to insure the lives of all Americans can be better; it is fitting that we give our lives back to others. But it shouldn’t just be on that very day. It should become part of our life style and a weekly or monthly routine. When something becomes a routine it becomes a habit. And when something becomes a habit it becomes part of us and we do it without thinking. 

     Today we should take a moment and  take a personal inventory and think about what is it in our lives that we are doing or what we can  do to make our community a better place. Or what is it about what we are doing that we can improve upon to make the world a better place. We are all made in the image and likeness of God. It is all of our calling to have a personal thing that we do to give back. So today I not only challenge you, I challenge myself of things that I can do and things that I can do better in my own community to make this world a better place.

Making Invetory for the New Year: Finding Happiness

It is now a new year again. We’ve made it to 2013. It is a time to reflect upon the past and have hope for the future. One thing that I do is to take a personal inventory of my life. I look at relationships, finance, education and career and my spirituality. These are the chore things in our life that makes us happy and for the most part define our existence. The thing of the matter is that we should make long and short term goals in these areas. If we want to improve in a certain area, at times we should do things differently. If you do the same thing the same way all of the time you will give the same results. For example, 1 +1= 2. You can add it many times and you will get the same sum. But 1+3=4. A different sum because we use a different number. This math that we learned in first grade is very basic. But this basic method can be applied to our own lives.
     If you are in a relationship and you are unhappy with your spouse or significant other, and both of you have been going about relating to one another the same way, and you are unhappy, at some point you will have to make a decision to do things differently; either mutually or through marriage counseling. If that doesn’t work then you should make a decision about what you are going to do to take control of your situation to make yourself happy. We are ultimately in control of our own happiness. No one is responsible for that but us. Any one that we allow to be part of our lives should enhance that happiness and not create misery. A couple should either grow together or at the least move together to find the median ground to happiness. If it falls short of that it is not a true relationship. According to professional counseling.com , the new year is a very difficult time for troubled relationships. You can use this time to improve it or part with it.  http://www.professional-counselling.com/relationship-advice-for-new-years-eve.html  What ever one decides, make sure the decision you make is one that is well thought out and one that is most healthy; which is when both partners mutually end a relationship. However,if one is in an abusive situation, run like hell.  Knowing that this is easier said than done;  there are many organizations that help victims of domestic abuse. You only have one life to live so you might as well make the best of it.  
     If you are perhaps looking for a relationship, or just putting yourself in an environment to meet someone to date, and the places that you have gone have not been fruitful in that area; perhaps, change your environment. A wise woman once said that she wanted to marry a millionaire. What she did was went to a social areas, we will say it was a bar, where millionaires hung out and  she met the man of her dreams.  One should never try to pick fruit from a tree that has proven not to bear fruit.
     Financially, at the beginning of the year, one can always look at how you managed money the year before and do it periodically during the year. I look at ways that I have wasted money and look at expenses that I can cut or spend money smarter. For example, I once had a hot spot to use my internet and I very seldom used my PC away from home. So I felt it was a waist. So I got DSL again and saved $30 dollars a month. I also was at the point where I felt that I was spending a lot of money or my car note. I made a bad decision when I bought my vehicle. So what I decided to do was to refinance my vehicle and freed $250 more dollars a month. Now for some that may not be a lot of money but for me, $250 dollars is $250 dollars. That is groceries for a month.  This is just an example; every one’s financial situation is different.
     It has always been instilled in me that the foundation to success is education. People can take many things away from you, your money your tangible items, even your job and sometimes try to take your good name from you by tarnishing it with lies.  But one thing that someone cannot take away from you is your education. I waited latter in my life to go back to school and get more educated. I am still in school trying to reach my goal. When I finish, I am sure that I will always try to learn by getting Continued Education and learn about cutting edge on therapeutic research. I plan to be a successful therapist. To do this, I must plan and stick to my learning track. One example of this is that there was one, having an issue on a job that he had for years. There was a manager; we will just call her a mare for the sake of this article. Well the mare for whatever reason had it out for him. She was determined to get him fired from a job that he had for nearly twenty years. He could have filed grievances and done many things but at the end of the day when someone wants you gone from a job, management prevails because Texas is a “right to work” state. He saw the writing on the wall and applied for every job that he qualified for. Because he had his bachelor’s degree now he was more marketable.  He secured a position just short of being terminated and it was for a promotion. It was a position where he was greatly qualified for and was the very best person for this job were his skills and experience could be used. Because of careful planning he was able to escape a career assassination. The great thing about it is that he works in the same building as the mare and from time to time they cross paths and he greats her with a smile and speak. I realize that this had to happen for a reason because he finally has a job that he can genuinely enjoy with a less stress that he had been experiencing. The good book also makes reference to “no weapons formed against you can prosper. And God making your enemies your foot stool” I am sure these thoughts crossed his mind many times during and after this experience.
     The most important annual inventory that one can take is spirituality. For me ,my church and ministries in my church is the foundation of my spirituality. I understand this does not work for all people but it works for me. I spend about four hours a week out of my busy schedule to volunteer. 
     This is outside of liturgical commitments or commitments during church. I am involved in three ministries and they are trying to encourage to pick up one more that will give me something to do for a month. I also give money to the church and also other charitable organizations. I am a firm believer of the phrase that a person who has been given much has a responsibility to give. And what we give freely comes back to us multiplied. I try to give what I have been taught my time, my talent and also my treasure ( money). I feel because of this my life is rich on many levels. I may not be wealthy but I am rich in so many ways. There is a song by a local artist named Tamika Handy that sings a song “Not a dime in my pocket, but I’m rich.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9rYb0nzd7c I love this song and I think it will be my theme song for 2013 now that I think about it. This is not a NeNe Leakes (material) rich but a quality of life rich. It is a wealth that defines happiness in non monetary ways. One can be financially wealthy and be so unhappy. At the end of the day, that person is really poor because there is no quality of life; full of material, but no real substance. 
     Look at the time that you spend with God. Just simple meditation on a daily basis can bring you so much personal growth and can open up many ideas on how you should solve an issue. We lift weights so that our bodies can get stronger. Meditation is a way for your brain to lift weights. It can be done in many ways. Just as simple as sitting in a quiet space and just digging deep and thinking; or listening to spiritual music. Buddhist use incense and bells and beads and chants. Some Catholics use the Rosary as  a way of meditating and some folks simple go into a closet and shut out the world and get on their needs and call on their heavenly father. There are many ways to do it. It depends on what fits your life. But however and whatever you do to meditate be it Yoga, or praying or jogging, God is present. And when we allow him to become part of our lives and there are many ways we can do it, we can find true happiness.
     For there to be change in our lives, we must find different ways of doing things. This must be done through personal inventory and through planning. May this day, this week, this month and all this year be a prosperous for you all and full of happiness.