About a week ago, someone that I care about told me something that I found very hurting. I have been so angry as a result of this. And suddenly Sunday morning I woke up and realized that I am not angry at my friend at all. The anger that I have was the anger that I have with myself. I was angry with myself because I allowed what I was told to belittle me and challenge my worth.
For many years I suffered from depression and low self-esteem. As a result of this I jumped into relationship after relationship thinking that these relationships would make me happy. “If I only had the right mate and the white picket fence and the 2.45 children I would be happy.” So I went to one relationship to another not only love affairs but friendships with people who didn’t have my best interest and /or had other motives. I was an easy target to be used and emotionally abused.
After years of having bad relationships, meeting the same negative people in different bodies I had to finally look at myself. I was the common denominator. I was the one that was responsible. It is a lot to put on another person the responsibility of your happiness whether they know it or not. It is unfair to give another person the responsibility to your own happiness and a lot of power to give another person.
After realizing this, I learned to have an intimate relationship with myself. Over a period of time, I did things to make myself happy and did things to create happiness for myself. I spent many quiet times with myself and read books that made me dig deep within myself to learn many things about myself or things that challenged my belief systems to figure out why I believe what I believe. I started to do things that I dared not to do alone because of social phobias like going to the movies and dining out. I learned to do things alone when I wanted to do them instead of waiting on someone to experience things with. I even learned to travel alone. I learned to fall in love with myself. Previously I didn’t want to be alone because I didn’t like myself enough to be alone. I didn’t see the value that I had within. Today I love my quiet times. It is my personal intimacy.
So when my friend made a statement to me something that cut deep to me and made me question if I was loved like I love I became angry. This anger was because I had worked so hard to feel good about myself and how dare I allow someone to make me feel devalued as if I didn’t measure up. And Sunday morning, (oh joy comes in the morning)I realized that what was said had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with them and the experiences that they have and how a friend needed to feel valued and with this need, no matter how abnormal it sounded and how it showed so much psychopathology I allowed it to take away my value. I allowed someone else psychopathology to affect my happiness.
No one can make you feel angry. Our happiness come from within and we determine our happiness and this happiness gives us value. Because the truth of the matter is no one has no less value than another person because we are all children from the same creator. The issue is the experience I had with myself when I felt was not favorable. No one did anything to take value away from me, it was the experience that I had with myself. I had to work through this and realize why I had this experience and why I allowed someone else experience affect me
The lesson that was learned is that never allow a person to give you value. We are all very special people. And no one is better than anyone. We are all unique and marvelous creation. We are all works in progress and we must constantly do activities of self -care insure that the joy that we should all have within us stay without any force taking it away. So this day I recommit to myself that I will continue to have an intimate relationship with myself. Because when you truly love yourself, you can then give love to others in return.
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